Hilarious Quotes

It is said that laughter is the best medicine, so when you are feeling low and want a little something to lift your spirits, read these hilarious quotes. This compilation of hilarious quotes and other one-liners is sure to bring a smile on your face, and work as a great stress buster.

Life is like a game of poker: If you don't put any in the pot, there won't be any to take out. ~ Moms Mabley

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~ Mark Twain

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. ~ W. C. Fields

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. ~ Christopher Isherwood

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER.". ~ William S. Burroughs

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. ~ Sean O'Casey

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~ Anonymous

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure. ~ Murphy's Law

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. ~Albert Einstein

I have never taken any exercise except sleeping and resting. ~ Mark Twain

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. ~ Will Rogers

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. ~ Steven Wright

Life is like an onion. Why is life like an onion? Because you peel away layer after layer and when you come to the end you have nothing. ~ Anonymous

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. ~ Douglas Adams

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. ~ Woody Allen

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. ~ Helen Hayes

The more I see of men, the more I admire dogs. ~ Jeanne-Marie Roland

Why do men like intelligent women? Because opposites attract. ~ Kathy Lette

If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman. ~ Margaret Thatcher

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. ~ Erica Jong

Behind every successful man, there is a surprised woman. ~ Maryon Pearson

Never trust a husband too far, nor a bachelor too near. ~ Helen Rowland

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of. ~ Kathy Lette

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. ~ Tim Allen

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. ~ Natalie Wood

When a man of 40 falls in love with a girl of 20, it isn't her youth he is seeking but his own ~ Lenore Coffee

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. ~ Lana Turner

Men are liars. We lie about lying if we have to. ~ Jay Leno

Men are a luxury, not a necessity ~ Cher

As long as you know most men are like children, you know everything. ~ Coco Channel

Men are beasts, and even beasts don't behave as they do. ~ Bridget Bardot

Well, then inform Mr. Levin that he'll be better off watching the fight in front of his television at home... Surely he must have HBO. ~ Ocean's 11

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? ~ Airplane

Don't say we aren't right for each other, the way i see it is.. we aren't right for anyone else ~ The Cutting Edge

Ladies and gentlemen, I can envision a day when the brains of brilliant men can be kept alive in the bodies of dumb people! ~ The Man with Two Brains

Yeah I called her up, she gave me a bunch of crap about me not listening to her, or something, I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention ~ Dumb and Dumber

Good morning! And in case I don't see you: good afternoon, good evening and good night. ~ The Truman Show

The key here, I think, is to not think of death as an end. But, but, think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses. ~ Love and Death

I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way ~ Who Framed Roger Rabbit

All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband. ~ When Harry Met Sally