Funniest Quotes Ever

Funny quotes ever have the punch to help you through a drag day in office. These quotes are full of giggles and chuckles. Here we will cover some of the funniest quotes and sayings like, "I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get divorced, I keep a house."  by Zsa Zsa Gabor.

If you have enjoyed this or have been tempted to read some more of the same, then read on and get ready to roll on the floor with laughter.

"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."

"Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."

"I have never let my schooling interfere with my education."

"If there were no God, it would have been necessary to invent him."

"Every man is guilty of all the good he didn't do."

"If you are going through hell, keep going."

"However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results."

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that."

"I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos."

"No comment" is a comment."

"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."

"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!"

"Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman. It's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town."

"Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom."

"Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

"Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge."

"Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to."

"If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty."

"I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot."

"You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz."―Chris Rock while hosting the Oscars

Lois:  How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura:  Well, I'm not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number's still 911? All righty then.

Spaulding: (to two ladies):  Let's get married!
Mrs. Rittenhouse:  The three of us? Why, that's bigamy!
Spaulding:  Yes! And it's big of me, too!

"As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!"

"I think everything must go back to the fact I had a very anxious childhood. You know, my mother never had time for me. You know, when you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention."

Major Strasser:  What is your nationality?
Rick Blaine:  I'm a drunkard.
Captain Louis Renault:  That makes Rick a citizen of the world.

"Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers. Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him. He's so good he gets paid five hundred dollars an hour just to fight with people, but he fights with me for free 'cause I'm his daughter."

Neighbor:  All men are pigs!
Prymaat:  Ah, pigs: an omnivorous, domesticated, cloven hoof vertebrate that defecates the same place it consumes.
Neighbor:  Exactly!

There is a vast treasure of funny quotes and this treasure box will continue to be filled with more humorous witty quotes. A few more quotes:

"If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

"He who laughs last probably does not get the joke."

And the last funniest quote ever, "There are three kinds of people in this world .. those who want things to happen, those that make things happen, and those who just wonder what the hell happened!" Ciao!!